BLOGMAS – Day 10 – Feeling Down

 I find it so hard to express feelings of sadness and anxiety within todays society. If you post something on social networking about feeling down, you’re automatically called an attention seeker. I mean, yes there’s probably people out there who don’t understand what depression is or what being genuinely sad is. For example girls saying they’re ‘depressed’ because they don’t look like a Victorias Secret Model, I’m sure you must be devastated.

2014 has certainly been one of the hardest years of my life. When I think back on how I was about a year and a half ago, I can never remember myself feeling particularly sad, all my memories from back then are positive and I don’t think I ever thought that in such little time that such feelings of sadness and disappointment would overshadow anything good in my life.

I feel horrifically venerable admitting this to people that I possibly don’t even know, however personally I don’t tend to share my feelings verbally, I find it a lot easier to get things off my chest by writing them down – or typing for this sake. My family are all really close and I think at times it can be hard for them when they know that I’m unhappy but I can’t quite find the right things to say to them to make them understand.

This year I’ve learned that a problem shared is a problem halved. It’s also taught me that you must be selective with the people that you trust, even though you might count someone as being a trustworthy confinement, that doesn’t mean they are. I find when attempting to open up about this kind of stuff people (usually closed minded people) think that you’re being ridiculous and you’re just being a hormonal teenager. But the thing is people don’t understand how easy it is to put on a smile and make a sarcastic joke and act like the most fun loving person ever. The truth is it’s as easy to act so happy-go-lucky as it is to completely fall apart by the seems.

I mean, none of this is to say that I’m never happy and that everything that has happened this year has been terrible. There’s definitely some positives too, however it’s not the positives that I can think of on the spot, I have to be reminded of them to realise that they actually happened. A lot of the things that have happened this year have inevitably been for the best, I’m glad to have rid of people that only brought be down with their self righteousness and complete lack of empathy for other people.

I wish that 2014 was profited a positive ending, but I highly doubt that. If you’ve read any of my previously blogmas posts, you will know that my Great Granddad is critically ill and has been put on end of life care. In ways I guess I’m lucky, as I’ve never experienced a death whilst being fully aware of the eternity of it all. However I know that it’s going to mentally break me into two and I don’t think nor my mind or my body can take it.

You know those times in your life when everything seems to be completely falling apart and there’s so many things you could be doing to prevent it from being so stressful, but all you do is lie in bed and worry yourself until you feel sick to your stomach, and then you sleep a lot and hope that things will actually go the way you wish they would.

I’m sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, but it’s just funny how just when you think you’re over such a melancholic time, you’re plummeted straight back into it deeper than before. I know everyone else whose doing blogmas is writing about all these amazing festive activities that they’re doing and how excited they are about everything, but I don’t think I could physically write a ‘happy’ blog post as it would just be complete lies. You know me, keeping it real since 1995.